a peek at echa's bwain,

trust me, trust me enough to tell me anything. just please.. dont tell me what i already know.. what i already think about every single second.. what keeps me awake at night.

i know that one too well, so please keep that to yourself..

i am more scared than you will ever know.

i love youu.

some things are better off unsaid, as others are better off not felt.

hello, greetings and salutations. my name is esah and i'll be your guide for this evening. im stupid with direction so i cant promise you we wont get lost, but i'd appreciate it if you'd still come along for the ride.

please and thank you,

there's just something about birthdays that make me nervous. mama seemed to share this particular feeling with me. he better keep himself safe, she said, we dont want anything bad to happen to him on his birthday. yes mama, my thoughts exactly. i cracked my head open worrying about him.

thank god everything turned out alright. :)

since i had to go to perak to see maktiq get married, i missed the chance to hang out with asyraf. it wasnt really that unfortunate since he had to go blk kmpg too, so even if i did stay home, i wouldnt be able to hang out with him still. i remember the day mama told me about the perak trip. i was devastated that i wouldn't be here for his birthday. might sound silly, but i bawled my eyes out in the dressing room and ended up getting his t-shirt wet. gomen, bby. woke up the next morning with small slits for eyes. panda-licious.

the thought of being far away from him on such an important day was unbearable. it was painful to think about, not to mention extremely frustrating. i was looking forward to spending the day with him. truth was, i was scared of not being the one who was by his side. that thought drove me bonkers. -__- hee, i warned you i was possessive sayaaang. ;p

it rained cats and dogs on friday. at first i started to think my entire plan for the day was ruined. i waited at mama's office and stared out the window, concentrating with all my might on praying that the rain would stop. somehow, it did. thank you god. :) he likes that drink, but since i was already running late, i had to improvise with something from coffee bean. you should've seen how the cashier looked at me when he heard what i wanted in a drink. he seemed amused and said he could whip something up for me that satisfied my demands, haha. so while waiting for mr cashier guy to prepare the drink, rushed to secret recipe for cake. thanks pat for the heads up; tiramisu it shall be!

asked for a candle, and rushed back to pick up the drink. somehow miraculously remembered to buy a lighter for the candle. what would happen, i wonder if i had forgotten ? what would i light the candle with ? -__- he arrived earlier than i did which added to my panic.

i didn't want him to have to wait, not today. mama drove like a madwoman and got me there in a jiffy.

he was dizzy, i was worried. i guess it is true. when you love a person so much, all you do is worry. i fussed over turning the cake over, but he easily solved the problem. i was amused, i started to relax. he always knew how to calm me down. i stared as he blew the candle out. there was that split second of silence before he blew the flame out into a puff of smoke. i wondered if i was included in what he prayed for. i hoped i was important enough. now i know i am. thank you, sevgilim. what i did then had been haunting me for days. my hands were trembling as i did it, my brain turned into mush. if my heart had beaten just a lil faster, i'd probably be in the hospital recovering from a heart attack.

we talked, we laughed, we giggled. he did what i did last time. it was so adorable, i couldn't help giggling. if there wasnt anyone around, i would've just pulled him into a hug and not let go. but that wasnt possible. we couldnt do anything like that in front of ppl, could we ? families had to be protected, honor had to be kept. played that staring contest. i won syg, kn kn ? ;p if only you knew how hard it is for me to breathe every time you look into my eyes that way, every time you're that close to me. i kept blinking because it was so hard for me to focus. so in the end, i guess you won eh ? ;)

your hand was warm as you held mine in the car on the way home. warm as it was, it didn't come close to how warm i felt inside just by being with you. my first chuu was what i wanted to do and had planned on doing. my second was a spur of the moment, i couldn't help myself. you're partially to blame syg, for being so sweet and so extremely adorable. ;p

hope u like what i picked syg. you mean the world to me, n all i wanted was for that day to be perfect. pls forgive this echa or yours if it wasnt, ne ? :)

asyraf zabri, i love you more than i can ever say, and i need you more than you will ever know.

Happy Birthday! <3

nothing can be more romantic than those three words said in a hushed whisper when we are only inches apart, with the darkness separating us from the rest of the world. nothing can mean more to me than looking in your eyes and at that serious expression, and knowing just how strongly i feel the same way.

hey honey, if my heart beats any faster for you, you're gonna have to call the paramedics ASAP ! x)

@&^#*^$^%!*@)#!

BANG. there you go. and stay down. :) 

curse this aching back of mine. -__-
 
curses..curseessss..

i kinda feel like a turtle, lying on my back and curling up in a ball just so i can stay still. it dont hurt if i dont move. i feel a bit better than yesterday. all them dark thoughts are all gone. :) the scariness of pms can shock and amaze ahahahaha.

aww shiz. asyraf zabri, being without you makes me go nutso. ;(

allow me to go baku, :D

sayang, ini untuk anda;

i miss the way you touch my hair and those smiles you give to me
i miss the way you hold my hand and those dimples that i see
i miss the way you make me laugh, the way you say my name
i miss the way you look at me, how we don't bother playing games

i wish for a moment that i was the guitar that you brought along with you
i wish for a moment that you were here so that i'd stop feeling blue
i wish for a moment that time would stop each time you hold me tight
i wish for a moment that back then i had sneaked aboard your flight, ;p

holy shit.

i havent had sudden spells of emotion for a looooong time. but hey, all the clutter in my brain is probably going to result in one of those real soon! wow, aint that just nice ? :D mumma says im usually a pretty stable, happy lala type of girl, but the unstable bit comes out once in a while, probably just to remind me that im just human. ohhh, the wise words of Puan Latiffa Zam Zam. oh and for any reason at all, if you happen to be writing or typing my mother's name, please dont spell it wrong, she hates it. ok, moving on.

wait, moving onto what ? this post has no body, i am simply just mindlessly rambling while trying to get my emotions in check. from what i remembered, it didn't use to be this scary. well, it was scary, but back then i was naiive enough to grasp onto hope. now, well, now is a different story aint it. back then i desperately hung on. this time i am desperately trying to tell myself to stay put.

this isnt supposed to happen. damn it, you're just another guy who was sixteen, and i was just a fifteen year old girl. i KNOW what happens to relationships when we're this young, i told myself over and over that it was going to end no more after a year. i thought i had it all planned out, i thought i was ready to face anything. damn it, i wasnt. somewhere along the way i let my guard down and you hurt me more than i ever could have imagined. whatever foundation i built growing up, whatever shield i created not to let anyone know me well enough for it to hurt, i let down around you. that was probably the most 'brilliant' move i had ever done in my youth so far. even before i was new to this relationship business, i made sure i knew what it was mostly about. i taught myself to be pessimistic and cynical, all because i refused to hope, simply because i was so scared of being let down.

what you thought was simply just a game, was my life's planning. when growing up, kids think of marriage and carriers. i thought of living life the way i wanted to, with other people but not quite connecting, mostly keeping the real me for myself. thats probably not the smartest plan someone can think of, but its the only way i thought of for me to be happy. one day i might read this post again and laugh at my teenage drama (refer to the post below thank you haha) but for now, its a still partially my plan. i guess i should thank you, for showing me that planning leads to nothing, zilch. in more ways than one, you taught me about life. some things of which i learned, i would much rather forget but you being the teacher, i don't think i will ever.

once you own a place in a person's heart, you never truly can go away. other people cant take your place, but they do own a place much more important than yours. in this way, you are in time pushed to the back of the person's mind. but you will always be there, always. so will the scars you inflict.

because of you, i cant tell myself to take that leap anymore since i know now how painful the fall can be. i am not the person i was before i met you, because now i am more of a coward. at times i feel stronger, but to say that most times i do not feel weaker would be a direct lie. when i look at another person, i no longer plan in my head how things might turn out, instead, i brace myself for the pain of separation.

i remember it being easier to be unconditional, though i remember it being more uncertain. but most of all, i remember the intense desperation of hanging on. these harsh whispers to run away are new to me, strange to my hearing though they do have a familiar ring.

running away is for losers with no balls. the fact that im a girl, and i dont have balls to begin with doesnt quite help.

Ya Allah, im scared.

take me out to the ball game, and bring me somewhere new.
where thinking is not allowed, whre dark thoughts never stew.
take my hand and lead me, promise me i'll be fine.
and once things start turning bad, that you'll give me a sign.

ok, so basically im in the mood to type, but i cant seem to write like i used to anymore.

WTF, -__-'

so since I CANT FREAKING WRITE THE WAY I USED TO, i'll just crap a whole lot just to give my fingers a bit of exercise. sounds good ? heh. soooo. i shall begin.

i was reading this little book, i think it goes by the name He's Not That Into You or something close to that, and it struck me as funny. have any idea why ? because i just realized, every single quote in that book could've helped me end my half-assed previous relationship. HEY BOOK, WHERE THE HECK HAVE YOU BEEN THE PAST 8 MONTHS, GATHERING DUST BUNNIES IN A FREAKING CORNER ? pfffft. useless.

a particular quote made me laugh till i cried.

it goes something like this;

'Busy' is another word for 'asshole' and 'asshole' is another name for the guy who keeps making excuses not to see you.

holy crap. i laughed and laughed till i couldn't breathe and even when i couldn't breathe, i couldnt stop laughing. lidi handsome thought i was having a heart attack, and i was too busy laughing to tell him i was fine. afterwards he stared at me as if he thought i was having a panic attack, but i told him not to mind me in short gasps and he shrugged and resumed playing his game.

my god, i couldn't tell you how many msgs with the words 'im sorry im busy' were in my inbox about half a year ago. i had so many of them i lost count. i tried saving them just so i could show him someday, but there came a time when my inbox was full with his 'busy' msgs and that was the final straw.

this particular event (me reading this little book) made me think. fine i admit it, it doesnt take much to start my brain ticking and it takes a whole lot to make it stop. i used to think being in a relationship without any conflict was heaven on earth. HELL, WAS I EVER WRONG. we simple-minded human beings long for, lust, LOVE conflict+drama. its our natural prozac, our weed, our oxygen. lets face it, we cant handle a world without any drama. THINK OF HOW BORING LIFE WOULD BE. in fact, it gets so boring to live a laid-back, give and take life that some of us even go as far as creating drama that shouldnt even be there in the first place. which is another reason why im writing this, for the love of all that is drama.

-cue scary sadistic smile-

too bad when im in a relationship, i dont particularly enjoy creating drama for fear of conflict. so that must make me a boring partner.

sorry asyraf, ur stuck with this uninteresting oddball.

shit, pms.

please come home quick sayang, i think my brain's starting to melt outta my ears.

what is it about music ?

how come it has enough power to make us happy, enough power to make us sad, and enough power to remind us of memories ?  its like a freaking time machine. i tried getting used to the song. its a nice song, really, it is. it doesnt deserve my spite. but i just cant, the song keeps making me nauseas. i didnt even remember it until i heard it kt ms profile lea. stupid ringtone. so off you go, i wont try to get used to you no more. buang masa je, im deleting you. muahaha.

i have recently realized that something that actually brings you discomfort, can make you happy. wait, im not talking about the freaking discomfort of the song from above, tu dah habis cerita ahaha, im talking about the sound of a jet travelling at super speeds and doing tricks in the air. sure the booming sound makes my ears ring, but it made me glaa happy too. oh wait, the happiness comes from being with asyraf for almost half a day, not cool booming jet sounds. oops, my bad, ;p

at first it scared me. me going to watch the airshow meant the possibility of meeting his family. i have no doubts that they are wonderfully nice people, but i was still scared. my worst fear is letting people down. what if i act like a total dummy and embarrass my own family ? what if i fail to 'bawak diri elok2' like mama always tells me to ? i do like saying im 16 (tho yes, im not yet 16, yeeee tauuu ! hmmph) but the reality is im protected. i havent gone around with another person's entire family before, so i didn't know what to expect. i was scared i would do the wrong things, i was scared of saying the wrong things. i dont want to ruin anything by making a bad first impression. this guy really means a whole lot to me, i dont want his family to hate me.

yes, i do think too much, probably paranoia runs in my family. -__-

his family was totally cool. i dont have an older sister, so i didn't really realize what i was missing out on. she's super nice, and she makes me feel comfortable. after knowing that a sister can be that caring, im starting to wonder if asking a sister from mama might still be possible.. ;p his parents are totally sweet. im really starting to believe in everlasting love again. thank you thank you. pat was nice to me too, then again, ever since i knew him, he's never been anything but nice to me.

the airshow was super cooool! it was panath, ;p but i had loadsa fun. the air maneuvers the pilots did looked extremely complicated. i cant even fly well in ace combat, -__- but they managed to make them possible. sumpah hot. did i mention how freaking cool it was ? :D i cant say the same thing about me tho, serious panas. i was probably sweating buckets -__- dont even get me started on how umcomfy i felt being all sweaty next to my boy. i guess i was stoinky.. -____- waaaaaaaaaaa.

sempat maen metal slug pulaaak. dah lama tak maen, it was funny.

after the airshow, we ate pizza. miahaha. dah lama plak tak mkn pizza. then played at the arcade with cute hyper cousins. i had a wonderful day. the worst part of the day, was when the time came to say goodbye.

so thank you uncle zabri n family for letting me come along. :)

and thank you sayang, for bringing me along, for holding onto me in the crowd, for blocking the rain with ur back, for  making me laugh and smiru, for making me yours. most of all, thank you for being mine.

canim, daisuki! -mixture of two languages makes a sentence powwa :D